What is holding me back?

This was my internal question during a recent 10-day silent retreat.  

The question rang in my mind as I contemplated the state of my life: “I’m living my 50th year on this planet.  My divorce is almost final.  There is nothing but the wide-open world ahead of me and I’ve already lived more than half of my life.  Why do I hesitate?  What is the internal dialogue that hides behind this?

Sitting in this uncomfortable truth was grating.  “I’m doing fine.  I have my career, beautiful children, a beautiful home and loving family members who live close. ”

That was my story. That was the beautiful curtain that concealed the truth. Giving myself the gift of time to pull the curtain back and look at what was hidden behind it meant many hours of sitting and walking in silence and discomfort.  

While walking, the realization came that I was unloveable if I couldn’t live life perfectly.  Perfection was the stumbling block!  Wow. All my life I had thought the goal of Perfection was admirable.  I had been deluded into thinking “doing a good job” meant “doing it perfectly”.  Living a good life was living “perfectly”.

There were still 8 days left of my retreat when I had this realization.    

So, I sat with Perfection.  Tight, breathless, lonesome, constricted and closed. That’s how Perfection feels.  What a way to live!   Many of us do just this our whole lives without even realizing it. 

And unloveable.  Unloveable??!! Many people love me.  Children, friends, family, long-time patients – I am blessed.  The truth is that I have a hard time loving myself.  

The drive toward Perfection became too uncomfortable to bear.  It was also hard to breathe.  A dead end.  Death even. This is when Imperfection revealed itself.  I began giggling.  It was fun!  Imperfection holds movement, humor, and possibility.  

My older daughter used to call the thing you pack for vacation a “soup case”. My younger daughter was afraid of “piders”.  The warmth and energy of life came flooding into my body as I stepped into the realm of Imperfection.  The tissue relaxed.  

Where would we be if that fish didn’t have funny fins that let it crawl onto the earth?  If the amoeba hadn’t stepped out of the box and doubled itself into a two-cell organism?

It was clear.  Imperfection is Evolution.  My life can evolve when I can embrace the imperfections.  It can even be fun!