This Thursday we will sit together at a meal to give thanks with friends and family, those we know well. The path to this abundant table is likely fraught with prickly brambles of conflict and defensiveness that have been cultured and nurtured over decades.
Face it: although we look forward to having a day off work and overeating delicious food, conflict can often arise between us and our loved ones – or maybe more commonly between us and ourselves – making the day more uncomfortable than we imagined it would be.
Sometimes we can see it coming and sometimes it takes us down like slipping on black ice.
So,…what if you are sharing this meal with Aunt Louise or another person who really irks you, gets under your skin and induces waves of nausea with the way they go on about something that drives you nuts?
There’s a feeling we get before we do something defensive or say something that may hurt someone or ourselves. It’s one of discomfort and it is fueled by fear. The sensation in the body can be different for everyone. Mine is usually tightness in the belly muscles or a scratchy sensation around my heart. What’s yours? Have you noticed it? Well, you have 4 more days to pay attention and identify it inside yourself before show time!
When you successfully identify this feeling in a difficult situation, you are more than half way to a better outcome. Here is an acronym to keep in your back pocket. (I’ve even given our cards with this acronym and people do carry them around in their pockets!)
It’s the word S.T.O.P.
S is for “Stop”.
Wherever you are and whatever you are doing when you notice the sensation that we just talked about or you have a feeling that something could turn out messy, just stop. It may seem like you are in one of those Hollywood cinematography clips where everything slows down, but I promise, no one will notice-(they are usually too self-absorbed anyway).
T stands for “Take a breath”.
That’s what you do next. Take a conscious breath. Bring breath to the situation. (you are likely holding yours by this time.) Notice the expansion and possibility that a breath can bring.
O is for “observe what is happening”.
Aunt Louise just started going on about her daughter and how successful she is, which you may respond to by thinking to yourself what a failure you are. Or maybe you’ll up her ante by talking about how great things are going for you just to put her in her place.
Just stop and observe what is really happening. Maybe you wish you had wonderful news, but there isn’t anything to share in this conversation. You may feel pressed to say something. Notice the feelings and urges that come up without necessarily acting on them.
P is for “Pause or proceed.”
A pause with a nod and a smile of acknowledgement noticing how proud she is of her child is all that is called for in this moment. Maybe asking when cousin Jane is coming home again is appropriate. Once the momentum of the critical moment is halted the possibilities for a loving resolution are endless.
May your holiday be filled with many mindful opportunities. Remember to embrace the obstacles. Did you find this post helpful?
Please leave a note in the comments area below to share your experience!
